I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
