I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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