I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
