I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
