Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
