WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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