I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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