I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
