Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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