trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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