I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Randomize
