I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
