I don't usually arrange sex via text message
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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