Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
