sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
high people should be assigned attendants
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
