a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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