just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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