great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
