Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Randomize
