It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
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