Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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