Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
