is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize