Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just threw up on my dentist
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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