i think my tv is drunk
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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