i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
