if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
