I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
