so explain again why im purple
no
I met the friendliest cop last night
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize