I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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