did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
