I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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