why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Randomize