I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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