I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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