nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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