I saw his package. It spoke to me.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
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