I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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