Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
