the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
