I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
