I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
