So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize