mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
