I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
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