when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
