I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
