I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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