dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
