So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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