how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
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