i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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