he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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