I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
