I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Randomize
