good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
