Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
