last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
