break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
Randomize
