After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize
