He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
My penis needs a shock collar
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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