I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
