when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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