I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Randomize