Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
operation have a gay friend backfired
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Holy sore nipples Batman
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
